Since the beginning of the year, I feel like I was floating around, very much like a driftwood being tossed by the tide. I feel like being suspended in midair, floating with the breeze, falling and rising with every blow. Its like living in a constant state of autopilot, doing the things that I need to do as if I was programmed to do it, no volition just mere going through the motion. No decisions, no directions, just mere automation.
For how long will a let the tide push me, for how long will I let the wind lead me? When will I ever set my feet where I wish to be?
The last few days i have been thinking. I mean really really thinking. I am turning 40 in the next few months and I have been asking myself what do i have to show for the 4 decades I have spent living. Naku midlife crisis na ba ito? Hehehe. I am well past midlife kasi I don’t really think I’d past 60. But seriously, what have I accomplished? I ahve spent my life like a nomad – moving with the tide, shifting to where the currents take me. wala nga akong possession of value maliban nitong laptop na inutang ko pa sa nanay ko. Mahilig kasi ako magtravel light kaya ayan ang lahat ng mga gamit ko kakasya sa 2 backpacks.
I am not saying that I do not have anything to show, that I have not accomplished anything. In fact, i think i have done a lot of things, every where and all the time. But have I made a difference?
In the next few days, I may be called to do something that will really make a difference. Will I take it? Hanggang gaano ang kaya koong itaya sa isang bagay na talagang pinapaniwalaan ko? Sapat na ba ang gamitin ko ang aking mga kaalaman para makatulong sa aking kapwa? Paano kung kahit nagcontribute na ako ng mga kaya kong gawin pero di pa rin sasapat para magkaroon ng katuparan ang aking mga pinaniniwalaan? Hanggang saan ang kaya kong ibigay?
Sa totoo lang, di naman ako madramang tao talaga. Sanay ako sa puro halakhak at tawa. Di naman dahil di ko sineseryoso ang buhay. Diyos ko ano ba tong mga sinasabi ko hehehe. Basta, pag tinawag ako sa mga susunod na araw, sana handa ako. Whew 😀
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